La Mer

Je vais te dire un secret

I have a huge ego and I need to do something about it. I need to change. And how can I change? The only way I can change is to constantly work at it. I need to change. And how can I change? Knowing is the beggining. Knowing more, and learning more, and achieving more. The minute you stop wanting to know more, that's when you stop growing, and that's when you die. And that's when you're nothing.

- Madonna dixit.

My Cage

written by Madonna.

I have a cage
It's called the stage
When I'm let out
I run about
And sing and dance
And sweat and yell
I have so many tales to tell

I like to push things to the edge
And inch my way along the ledge
I feel like God, I feel like shit
The paradox: an even split.

It's just a job, I always say
I should be grateful everyday
Sometimes, I think I just can't do it
But I persist and I get through it
And I console myself each night

Confessions on a Dancefloor

Most of the queers in the house will probably understand this story more than anyone else. Not only because of the obvious Madonna-inspired title, but because most homosexuals have expierenced something similar at one time or another. But this is more like a letter to that one person that this is dedicated to. It is very personal, but it is a need for me to write it down.

I remember the first time I met you. It was a very crazy moment in my life, and I didn't think anyone could call my attention. But you did, and in a very strange way. The first time we talked was in the Men's room, in the company we worked for. And you just asked me something really stupid, but that showed me that, somehow, I had been noticed by you. And, since we were teammates on that callcenter, I got to know you a bit more, and notice you, too. You had a strange way with me. I don't know what it was... if it was all those hugs, soft kisses on my cheek, bringing me food for my lunch hour, calling me "love", what made me like you the way I did. But was it all a game we were playing? Was it ever real?
You quit that job not long after you had gotten used to it. It wasn't for you, and you had a big chance at your own calling, so you left. But we were still in contact for a while. You kept feeding me sometimes, not only with food, but with hope, since one of the last times you came, you told me to call you and we could go out and get a few drinks sometime. And I did, the very next day. We arranged to get together, and you said you would call me that very same day. You did call me, but to cancel on me. It was fine, on the next few days we kept in touch via cellphone text messages. This was my way of keeping the small string of whatever it was we had from breaking. But the second time you cancelled on me, made me realize how that string might have never been there. And I realized that, once again, I had fallen into the trap of an illusion. An illusion that reflected my most desperate desire: for you to be SOMETHING for me.
We didn't really lose touch altogether after that. I ordered food a few times and would chat with you through Instant Messenger, but the link I had seen was clearly not there. You insisted upon calling me "love", though.

Now, what? A year or so later, you show up on my friend's birthday in Ameri-k (my favorite place for a broken heart), looking good as ever, looking you. My whole world shook in one second (and not because I was wasted). I didn't remember you being so beautiful. I didn't remember how much I liked you. But it all came back to me in ONE second. And I think everyone in that room found out, since I couldn't keep my mouth shut. I promised myself I wouldn't care. I promised myself I would ignore you, and the thousands of women around you, kissing your fucking lips. You were perfect, but I would act as if you weren't there at all. That is, until you started dancing with me. That is, until you turned around, and moved in such a way that began to arouse me. That is, until you grabbed my hands and placed them very near your crotch, while we were both moving our hips to the groove. But that was IT. Nothing more. No kiss on your lips, no secret that you were afraid to admit.
Are we still playing that game? If so, what are the rules to this game? Because, as far as I can see it, you are asking me to help you come to my side of the street, but whenever I'm willing to help you, you back down and go back to your side, and disappear from sight. And, not only is it confusing, but it's annoying. You're wasting my time, and you allow me to think I might have a chance to be part of your world, when really, I'm not. You have to make up your mind, because it's killing me. I want to be with you, but I want you to want to be with me too. Make up your mind. It's yes, or no, that side of the street, or this one. Or stay in the middle. Just don't turn away, and face your fears. And, more importantly, face yourself.

Nothing to Say

I guess the argument is over. One could say I won, since apparently you have nothing more to say. But I never thought of it as a competition. Although I must admit that the things I said were meant for you to shut up.
See, I don't want to hear what you have to say. I don't want to hear you saying I'm mistaken. I know I am, I already feel guilty about it, but at the same time, I feel better. A part of me feels better for doing what I did, and I feel free.
That doesn't mean that the person in question was the reason of all of this. Au contraire. She will not be left alone; not by me. I won't be physically there, but I will be when she needs me to. She just has to ask, and I guess she knows that. And I don't expect her to understand my actions. I don't expect her to have yet ANOTHER unnecesary bag on her shoulders. I don't want her to feel pain. And I know she does, and it's the reason why I feel guilty.
But I don't understand why YOU meddle with these sort of things. This is not your fight. I understand you want to be the protector this time, but you will not get through me. You never were the protector before. You were the desertor. You had the right to be, and I kept my mouth shut. Why can't you do the same thing right now? Can't you see you have absolutely no right to come in between all that is going on, and ask me for something that you never even made an effort to achieve yourself?
I feel like I'm always beside someone, grabbing everyone's hand, but there's no one holding mine. Nobody cares what I feel at the moment, you just want to make me feel bad for what I'm doing. And I really can't believe she would ask for something like that, so this is evidently your own doing.
Why don't you take a look at what you've done in the past, and judge all the things you've done to her while I sticked to her side, and after that look at this ONE thing I'm doing wrong?
And yes, I know what I just said implies judgement. In every sense of the word and the phrase. But think about it anyway. After you have, I will listen to your preaches with ears wide open.

Running Away (Reprise)

Somebody said you've got to get away to want to go back home again
(and that is why today, you will find that I'm running away once again)

Si ves que después de decirte Te Quiero, escribo un (?) o hago una mueca graciosa, es simplemente porque no me animo a decirtelo en serio.