How evil are you?Esto lo saque del blog de Morita!!! JAJAJAJAJAJAJ... well... not AOL, but MSN maybe? CUAK!

Lost in Space

The title describes it all. Yet, it turns out there is so much more to it. So much more I'm trying to say.

Something strange happened a few months (days, weeks) ago. Something I never thought would happen, but did. And it woke me up from a deep slumber. I've been struggling with reality ever since. However, it was not a reality that struck from a moment to the next. It's development is gradual, and I realize something new every day. And it is so, how the idea of being lost in space is born.

Lost in Space is trying to describe how I feel right now. A direct and simple description would be impossible: it has so many sides and faces to it it would be take the longest time. So, to explain this briefly, I should only talk (if my racing mind allows me to) about the three main reasons of this writing. Let's see it on an up-going scale of prorities:

I've been lost in space for this blog. I've been such a stranger to it during the past few months, that I really forgot about it. I only remembered it when I felt an urge to write something. I must admit that just writing something and putting it away in a drawer somewhere and forgetting about it only to rememberit 5 years later, is not my thing. When I write, I need to know that there's a chance that somebody out there will be reading. This blog was that chance. This blog was a reflection of what I was going through. This blog was my source of expression.

Yet, I seem to have forgotten about it. I did use it for phrases I found lying around, but not for it's original purpose. I forgot so much about it, that I even forgot it's birthday on September, 19th. It turned 2 years. 2 years since it all started. (By all, I mean... I don't even know how to sum that one up!).

Funny thing is that, a few months before this blog was born, I seem to have been shot (and got lost, apparently) into space. That trip to space was also gradual, just like it's return is so now.

I'm hoping this isn't just bluff, that I'm not writing in vain. I truly intend to keep this blog alive and kicking, reinvented over and over as it deserves to be.

My second item on this list, is myself. It sounds selfish, I know, but I've forgotten myself. I lost myself in the process of losing myself in space. I forgot where I belong, my dreams, my hopes, and my purpose. I found a substitute for all of that, and it was all swept off of my head. I was (am) mentally blocked, with no signs of turning back to what it used to be. I no longer have that conviction. I'm now seeing dark. Only seeing dark, as the newly discovered title of this blog reads. I can't get out of this place, and I'm feeling desperate.

Last (but not least at all) is the fact that I am lost in space to my friends. Yes, all of them. Some of them still see me once in a while. But they don't really see me, or the person they think they are seeing. They see this smile on a rubber mask, this face covered in so much make up, that the real face becomes irrecognizable. And I'm sorry for that. I'm sorry for lying to them, but I can't clean up my face and show them who I really am. And fear of them revealing my true face by themselves, is leading me to ignore them and sometimes, even forget about them, and their needs. I have not been a good friend to them, and that makes me terribly sad. But, I do realize, that even though I've been the most horrible person to them, they still remember me. And I can't forget that.

All three of these items are determined by one thing that happened to me: getting a job. Don't get me wrong, I don't regret getting a job in the first place. It helped me to grow and learn, and become the person I am today. And that is a much more evolved person than I was two years ago, in many senses. But something was divided when I got a job. It was gradual: as I became more commited to it, the wound was getting bigger. And now, I find myself quite tired. Drained and exhausted. I still love it, though. It helps with my missions.

I am beggining a new journey. Not in vain, I hope, as I tend to leave things unfinished once started. Even though I'm so lost, and I've neglected so many things, there is one thing I haven't forgetten: my missions in life. They are something that will be on-going until the day I die. These are learning and inspiring.

They're not easy tasks. However, all of this pain is making me realize how what I'm feeling right now is a part of the learning and inspiring process.

To sum up, some people are wondering how I feel this days. I feel uninspired. For anything. I'm not sure I wanna keep on going. I'm making the biggest possible effort, and these words cannot reflect it. But I do promise I will do my best to be less absent in everyone's life and this blog. And myself, of course.

"Rough times are for warriors like us all."
- Eduardo Mac Harg.

A good boss is the one who, with a few words, can make you feel better even when your problem is not work-related and even though he has no idea what it is about. And give you what you need to keep up your will to work as you should.
If this phrase is not a clear example of what I'm saying, then I don't know what would be.

This post is dedicated to my boss, who shows patience, concern and understanding every day. These words could never reflect my appreciation for the million things he has done for me.

Thanks, Ed. Really.

What I Want from You I can Never Have.

Spike: (faces them) The last time I looked in on you two, you were fighting to the death. Now you're back making googly-eyes at each other like nothing happened. Makes me want to heave. (turns away)

Buffy: I don't know what you're talking about.Spike: Oh, yeah. You're just friends.

Angel: That's right.

Spike: (faces them) You're *not* friends. You'll never be friends. You'll be in love till it kills you both. You'll fight, and you'll shag, and you'll hate each other till it makes you quiver, but you'll never be friends. (points at his temple) Love isn't brains, children, it's blood... (clasps his chest) blood screaming inside you to work its will.

- dialogue from Buffy, the Vampire Slayer. Season 3, episode 8 (or 42 in the whole series) "Lovers Walk